1 John 3:16-18 (NLT) 16 We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 17 If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? 18 Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.

What makes you feel loved? Is it when your husband comes home after a long day and tells you how much he missed you while he was gone? Is it when your child grabs you around the neck, tucks his head in under your chin and gives some good cuddle time? Is it when you get a call or text from a friend who tells you she was thinking about you? All of these things make me feel loved. Maybe they make you feel loved too. Maybe the things that make you feel loved are different.

In his discussion of 1 John chapter 2, Warren Wiersbe writes about the word love.

“Words, like coins, can be in circulation for such a long time that they start wearing out. Unfortunately, the word love is losing its value and is being used to cover a multitude of sins.

It is really difficult to understand how a man can use the same word to express his love for his wife as he uses to tell how he feels about baked beans! When words are used that carelessly, they really mean little or nothing at all. Like the dollar, they have been devalued.”

I love his illustration because it is so ridiculous that it has impact. The same word is used to express love for our spouse and how we feel about food? But we do it every day. “I love your outfit!” “I love that song!! “I love pizza!” “I love my mom!” “I love my dog! “I loved that book!” “I love playing World of Warcraft!” And these are just examples from my life. Well, except the Warcraft one, that’s my son…

In 1 John 3, John tells us “We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us.” As I was studying this passage this week, the question I asked earlier came up. What makes you feel loved? And I began to wonder, when I think of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, do I feel loved? I mean intellectually I know that it was an act of love. I know that it was the greatest act of love ever given. I know that He went through all of that for me, but do I FEEL loved by it? Jesus’ greatest declaration of love comes with enduring a day of public suffering, humiliation, and brutality. It’s not exactly the warm fuzzy we prefer when we think about love.

I have a dear friend. We have been friends for 20 years. In a lot of ways, my friend is the antithesis of me. She is not overly demonstrative or verbal in her affection. There is a lot of “matter of factness” there. Her focus tends to be fixing the problem so that we will feel better. She’s definitely a doer. But here’s the thing: even though I don’t always get the emotional support that I want (please notice I said want), I have absolutely no doubt in the depth and strength of the love that defines our relationship. She is my sister. My son is her nephew (you should see the confused looks she gets when she refers to him that way). Her children are my nieces and nephews. We are family.

I know this not because we share warm fuzzies all the time. I know it because at one of the lowest moments in my life, she packed me up, moved me into her home and away from a bad situation, and then helped me find a new place to live. I know this because when I got engaged to my husband, she was the first to celebrate and she welcomed him into her family. I know this because on the day when my son was baptized and I was so disappointed because no one in our family could attend the service, she said to me, “It’s ok. You have family here.” And I knew exactly who she meant.

The love in our relationship is defined over and over again by acts of service to each other. Yes, we have warm moments. We do encourage each other and are supportive of each other. We certainly have a great time together and enjoy one another’s company, but the defining love is not during those times of warm fuzziness. I see her love for me every time she goes out of her way to do something. Love is knowing that if I ever need anything, she is just a phone call away. And I hope she knows that is true of me too.

I think we want to make love an emotion. We want to feel love. We have attached too much importance on how we feel and it has led us astray. There are many examples of how our emotions betray us and too often we want to make decisions based on how we feel, but that’s not what John wants us to see about Jesus. John didn’t say that we know what real love is because Jesus told us how much he loves us. He didn’t say that we know what real love is because Jesus showed us through physical affection, although I am quite sure Jesus did both of those things when he was physically here. John said, “We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us.”

I like to gloss over the true extent of Jesus’ suffering. I don’t like to think about how bad it really was. I don’t want to imagine how much he hurt all over, how humiliating it was to be made fun of in public like that, how devastating it was to feel separated from His Father. And yet when I do, I begin to really see the depth of love expressed in those sufferings. Jesus doesn’t have to tell me how much he loves me; he has already shown me, If I’ll take the time to see. I think that in a lot of ways, my friend is more like Jesus than most of us. Most often her love is demonstrated through her actions, just like Jesus.

There have been many times in my life when I have felt all alone, lost, depressed, angry, and/or unloved. I have wondered over and over again if God really loves me. I have wondered if he is really there for me; if I can really trust him. In those moments I was focused too much on how I felt. I was letting my emotions guide my thoughts and my decisions. Please note, my focus was on me, not on Him. And my emotions betrayed me because, of course, God loves me! He showed me just how much 2,000 years ago: “We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us.”

The Bible clearly teaches us that real love is a verb. I don’t have to feel loved to know that I am loved. Real love is cooking dinner for my family without the expectation of a compliment. Real love is working hard to keep the house clean so we have a nice place to live. Real love is answering question number 238 of the day with as much enthusiasm as question one. (You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you…) Real love is reading the Dark Elf Trilogy when you’d really rather be reading something else. Real love is attending the funeral of someone we don’t really know to be supportive of the family we do know. Real love is staying out in the cold a while longer to shovel snow from the neighbor’s driveway too. Real love is reminding me in my moment of sorrow, “It’s ok! You have family here.” Just the right words or the right actions at the right time and years later I still know that I am loved.

Today I commit to recognizing acts of love in all of its forms, not just the ones that make me feel good. Today I will put less stock in how I feel than in what I know to be true. Today I will remember that Jesus showed me what real love is. Today I will look for ways to emulate Christ and show love in the things I do without ever saying the words.

1 John 3:18 Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.

What about you? What are some meaningful ways others have shown love to you through acts of service or sacrifice? What makes you feel loved?