John 1:4-5 (NIV) In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

The people at Proverbs 31 Ministries have released a new app for Android and iOS called First5. Their goal is that we spend the first five minutes every day with the Lord. Their first devotional series has been going through the book of John. I have found these devotions a great jumping off place to dig deeper into His Word.

This week I have sensed God using these devotions to address a real need in my life. Like everyone else, I have had my share of ups and downs; victories and tragedies. However, I often find the tragedies difficult to let go of. We have all experienced hurt and disappointment in relationships and I am no different. My desire is to let go of the hurt, forgive and move on, but for me that’s not as easy as I think it should be.

Many years ago Nancy Honeytree wrote a song that has stuck with me. The chorus is:

One memory at a time

Each moment he relives is the one that he forgives

And he will live as he forgives

One memory at a time

This song really describes me. I choose to forgive. I pray I ask God to help me forgive. I tell him I’m ready, I do it and all is well… and then the next memory comes and I have to do it all over again. It isn’t that I’m not sincere. It isn’t that I don’t truly desire to move beyond this struggle. But as each new memory comes, I find myself reliving the experience over and over again along with the feelings that accompanied it. Then I find myself wondering, “How long, Lord???” How long before I can let go completely and forever? How long before this particular experience is not an issue for me anymore? Am I even making any of the progress I so desperately desire? Why is this so hard?

This morning in the First 5 devotion, Leah DiPaschal wrote a beautiful devotion about living in the light. In the section for experiencing more and digging deeper she talks about God’s ability to conquer the darkness and includes some very powerful verses to accompany it.

As I read these scriptures today, I was definitely sensing the continuation of a theme. God wants to work on my inner darkness. I found the extra verses that were included in the “More” section very powerful and through those verses, God brought to mind other relevant verses.

My darkness is definitely the hurt and unforgiveness I’ve been carrying around with me even though I desperately desire to be rid of these things! This was Jesus said about our darkness in John:

John 3:19-21 (NIV) 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

As I read these verses, I had the image of someone who is in a very dark room and then suddenly very bright lights are turned on. It has happened to all of us. Our first reaction is to squint and shield our eyes. We shy away from the light. We want to stay in the darkness because at this point the light is painful. And isn’t that the problem? Allowing God to bring my dark places to the light is painful. I don’t always like the path of healing. It’s like treating a deep infected wound. The infected part must be cut out before full healing can begin. Pain before gain. But eventually we get used to the light and we don’t want to stay in the darkness. The light reveals all that we’ve been missing. We learn to love the light.

I want to embrace the light completely. I want to get rid of all of my darkness. So why is releasing these things such a struggle for me?

As I read through the First 5 extra verses, I found at least part of the answer. In Job 12:13-14, 22 God says this:

13 “To God belong wisdom and power;

counsel and understanding are his.

14 What he tears down cannot be rebuilt;

those he imprisons cannot be released.

22 He reveals the deep things of darkness

and brings utter darkness into the light. (NIV)

What God tears down cannot be rebuilt!! What God imprisons cannot be released! That’s what I want! I want God to tear down and imprison my hurt and my unforgiveness so that it never returns. He is the only one who can. This is promise emphasizes God’s power. I can’t do this, but He can.

Another missing piece of the puzzle is revealed in Psalm 89:17.

You are their glorious strength.

It pleases you to make us strong. (NIV)

The Lord is my strength. I think that although I’ve been fervently praying that God would help me with this, I’ve been trying to do too much on my own. I think I shouldn’t be asking Him to help me. I should be asking Him to do this for me. I don’t have the power that God has. What I tear down CAN be rebuilt. What I imprison CAN be released. Or as God said to Zechariah:

Zechariah 4:6 (NIV) 6 So he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.

It’s not my might or my power that can accomplish anything. It is only by His Spirit who has access to His wisdom and His power. Sometimes I really do try too hard…

The end of Psalm 89:17 says, “It pleases you to make us strong.” It is His desire to make me strong! I need to think about that for a minute. I need to marinate in the fact that God’s desire is to make me strong. He wants me to be strong! He desires it! So why do I keep fighting him? If He and I have the same desire to heal my heart and enable me to completely forgive, why do I fight against him? Because the strength He wants me to have is not my own and I much prefer to be in control…

Paul faced a similar dilemma in 2 Corinthians chapter 12. He writes about how he had a thorn in his flesh. No ones knows for sure what was going on with Paul, although there is loads of speculation as to what his problem might have been. I personally think that Paul left this deliberately vague because each one of us will be plagued by different things, but the truth of what God revealed to him is applicable to all of us. Whatever it was, Paul prayed to God three times asking Him to remove this problem. In Paul’s own words:

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NLT)

After begging God to take this thing away, Paul realized that He was actually stronger when he was weak. It wasn’t his power that could overcome these things, it was God’s power and God’s power could only fully manifest when he was weak. Now I don’t know about taking pleasure in these things… I am far from there, but maybe from these passages, I can begin to understand the purpose in the length of my struggle. Maybe God is reminding me that only He can do this work and if my struggles completely go away, then His power to work within me will be reduced because I will think I can handle it from here. I will take over and try to do things in my power. I will forget that God’s desire is to make me strong through His power. I know I will, I have done it before…

Today I choose to hold on to His promises. I choose to remember that what He tears down CANNOT be rebuilt. What He imprisons CANNOT be set free. He desires to make me strong through my weakness. He is my glorious strength. Today I choose to surrender my darkness to His wonderful light.

How about you? Are you holding on to a place of darkness in your life? Are you struggling to let it go only to have it return time and time and time again? What decision will you make today?